The King of Evil and the Schoolteacher
by Captain-Trina
Summary: In which Mrs. Marie invites Ganondorf in for tea. No, really. (Inspired by "Arsenic and Old Lace")


"Bye, Mrs. Marie!"

"Have a great vacation, Mrs. M!"

"See you next year!"

"Goodbye, children," Mrs. Marie called after her students. "I hope you all have a joyous summer!"

Windfall's resident teacher stood in the doorway and waved until the last of the children disappeared around the bend. Then she retreated to her classroom and collapsed in her desk chair with a contented sigh.

Another school year done. And such a joyful one it had been! Gina and Kayo had learned to get along, Lee's reading level had jumped up by three grades, and little Beth had finally memorized her addition facts. Mrs. Marie was just so proud of them all, and as she looked around at the empty desks, she already missed them.

But feeling sorry for herself wasn't going to make fall come any faster, and even the most joyful of teachers needed a rest eventually. And for Mrs. Marie, that meant there was only one place to go.

* * *

><p>Three days and a few hundred nautical miles later, Mrs. Marie disembarked on an unnamed island, a touch paler than she was when she left but still smiling.<p>

"Shall I return for you at the usual time, Mrs. Marie?"

The pink-haired matron nodded appreciatively to the sailor. "That would be lovely, Gummy. Thank you very much."

"Then I'll see you in a month's time. Take care, ma'am!"

Mrs. Marie lugged her trunk up the steep incline of the beach. She exhausted by the time she reached the top of the hill (plus her joints were aching something awfully fierce), but once she opened the front door, it was all worth it.

"Master! I am so pleased to see you returned safely!"

Mrs. Marie's grin grew even broader at the sound of that voice. "It's a joy to be back, Dorian. How were things here?"

"As dull as ever, Master! I am ever so glad you are back. When you are here, Master, everything is more... more joyful!"

Mrs. Marie set her trunk in the corner and began to unpack. She was in the midst of hanging her colorful scarves when her butler piped up again.

"Master, were you expecting anyone to come by today?"

Her joyful face creased in confusion. "Why no, I just got here. I'm not prepared for company yet."

"Then I should let you know, Master, that a gentleman has just arrived. Well, perhaps gentle is not the right word – I should say he looks downright beastly. You there! You are trespassing, you unrefined lug! This cabana belongs to the Master, and you may only be here if the Master has invited you! I say, stop! Are you listening to a word I - "

The voice's blustering was interrupted by three loud and heavy thuds. They were so violent that Mrs. Marie half-expected her beloved door to splinter, though it thankfully did not. It did, however, resume its ranting with a vengeance.

"You absolute brute! Never, _never_ have I been treated with such disrespect! Away from here, you hideous barbarian! Remove your monstrous hands from my person! No uncivilized ogre such as yourself shall ever be allowed to meet the Master!"

It was at that moment that Mrs. Marie opened the door. (The door, not expecting at all that it should be opened for their terribly rude guest, was shocked into silence.)

And such a strange guest it was. The man was so enormous that he didn't so much stand as _loom_, with hair and beard a violent orange-red. His large nose was hooked like a beak, and his skin was so dark and olive it almost appeared greenish. His garments were foreign and looked very old, though not worn-out. But most outstanding was his smile, which was downright predatory. Any rational person would run screaming or be frozen with fear.

Mrs. Marie smiled graciously. "Good afternoon, sir. I apologize for my butler – he's very protective of me and I'm afraid his mouth gets the better of him sometimes. How may I help you, mister...?"

The stranger blinked a couple times as if caught off-guard by her response, then regained the toothy grin he'd been bearing initially. "My name is... Ganondorf." It was a name heavy with meaning – and malice.

"Well, it's a joy to meet you, Mr. Ganondorf! I'm Mrs. Marie. I don't get many visitors out here on my little island, so it's a pleasure when I can have some company. Did you want to come inside?"

The grin stayed in place, mostly, though it was definitely strained by confusion now. His "yes" also tried to hold onto it's menacing air and mostly failed.

"Then by all means, come in, come in!" The schoolteacher's verbal enthusiasm was accompanied by a beckoning wave, which finally prompted the befuddled visitor to enter the small house. "Now you just sit down for a spell, and I'll put the kettle on for some tea."

Ganondorf began to speak and then stopped – multiple times – before he sank into an armchair with a simple "I don't like tea."

"Oh, that's alright. I've got some lovely fruit herbals – or even a tin of cocoa, if you'd prefer. Ah, white Hyoi, here's a lovely one." Mrs. Marie set a container of fragrant leaves on the side table and sat down opposite him to wait for the water to boil. "Now then, Mr. Ganondorf, what brings you by my humble little cabana?"

Her guest had mostly recovered from his earlier surprise and was carefully scrutinizing the room around him. His eyes narrowed at her inquiry. "My task is one of great secrecy. I cannot allow its nature to be known."

His host's smile remained serene (almost infuriatingly so). "Oh come now, who's going to hear from little old me?" Suddenly, her eyes lit up as if she'd had an epiphany. "You're one of them, aren't you? Those treasure hunters! For the – oh, what did they call them... Triumph Forks, that was it."

Ganondorf lifted a massive eyebrow. "Tri-what?"

"Oh, it's all the sailors are talking about these days. And the children for that matter! I think I must have had every young man in my class tell me at some point during the year that he was going to be a Triumph Fork hunter when he grew up – some of the girls, too." She stood and walked over to the far wall, where various curios were displayed. "But I don't think you'll find much to help you here, Mr. Ganondorf. The only treasures I have are souvenirs of younger days," she sighed wistfully, lifting an eyemask from where it hung.

The man suspiciously eyed the collection of items she'd drawn attention to. "You've traveled?"

"It doesn't seem likely now, does it? Who would think that a mild-mannered schoolteacher would have been a wild and daring adventuress in her youth?" As if for emphasis, the woman donned the mask, a garish and unnatural-looking thing with eyes so large Ganondorf could only assume it had been created with the purpose of seeing into one's soul. Although he never put stock in such absurd claims, the woman most definitely started when she looked at him through it. But the moment passed quickly, and the mask was replaced on its hook.

The kettle began to whistle. "Ah, there's the tea ready. Are you sure I can't interest you in a cup?"

"I'm sure," he said flatly.

"Well, normally I'd insist, but you have plenty of time yet, so no harm there."

Ganondorf blinked once. "Time?"

Mrs. Marie didn't even notice (or pretended not to) as she settled back into her armchair with tea in hand. "So the question remains, Mr. Ganondorf – what brings you to my home? How can I help you?"

The erstwhile Prince of Thieves stared at his hostess for a good long while. Coercion by intimidation had been his _modus operandi_ for so long that he was honestly finding himself at a loss in a situation where it wasn't working and, in fact, seemed to be unnecessary so long as he could remember at all what it meant to be polite.

"Is this your whole house, ah, ma'am?" he finally asked.

"Well, there is the cellar, but I do like for my friends to be able to rest down there."

Ganondorf sat up straighter. Basements and the like were the perfect place for artifacts and heirlooms. "Show me." An expectant eyebrow from Mrs. Marie – an expression perfected through years of teaching – had him adding a strained and unpracticed "please?"

The schoolteacher smiled approvingly. "I suppose, so long as you aren't a bother to them. Dorian!"

"Hwha?" The door sounded so startled that, had he a proper body, Ganondorf was quite sure he would have jumped. "How may I serve, Master?"

"Our visitor would like to see the basement," she chirped brightly. "Would you show him the way down?"

"Are – are you sure, Master? Hmm. I do not understand, but I bow to your superior knowledge, Master." And with that, the furthest-back section of wall creaked and shifted to the side, revealing a gray stone passage that slanted downward.

* * *

><p>Several hours later, Ganondorf emerged from said passage. His search had dead-ended multiple times, constantly blocked by either bars or openings barely large enough for the rats that inhabited the tunnels. Nor was there a single triangle shaped emblem to be found. But he wasn't as disappointed as he might have been.<p>

Mrs. Marie rose from her chair with her immutable smile still in place. "Did you find what you were looking for?"

He eyed the unassuming woman, more thoughtful than he'd been since his unsealing. "Not quite, but I did find your... friends... to be fascinating. You gathered them all yourself?"

She nodded cheerfully. "I've accumulated them over the course of many years, though, so don't be too impressed."

"I didn't say I was impressed. You just happen to be the first mortal I've encountered who shows any proficiency for my... career."

"Well, it's only a hobby for me, but that's sweet of you to say."

"How did you manage them, if you don't mind me asking?"

"The tea, of course. Oh, don't worry," she added at his affronted expression, "I wasn't going to put anything in yours if you'd had some. You have far too much time ahead of you for that."

"What do you mean, 'time'?"

"With the right help" - here she glanced at that gold eyemask - "I can tell how long a person has left to live, regarding natural causes at least. Every summer I entertain passing sailors, and several of them are closer to the end of their time than they realize."

For only the second time during his visit, Mrs. Marie's smile slipped. "I get so lonely out here sometimes. Dorian's lovely, but he's a far cry from the joyful faces I see on Windfall. I don't want them to be lonely in the end either, so we keep each other company."

As the woman continued to speak, Ganondorf's newfound respect for her ebbed away to be replaced with disgust and scorn. Loneliness? There was so much potential here for one who had ambition, and she was wasting it on something so... human. He abruptly rose. "Since I didn't find what I came for, I'll be on my way."

That infernal smile was back again as the schoolteacher also stood to escort her guest to the door. "Thank you so much for visiting. It was my joy to have you."

Before he left, Ganondorf turned back one more time. "By the way, the next time you're down the cellar, you'll find your friends are more... active now. You might want to keep your distance."

And without another word the Gerudo man turned and walked down the hill. Mrs. Marie closed the door slowly, but not before he had the satisfaction of her smile slipping one last time.


End file.
